Men's Unmentionables

Warning: this blog post contains descriptions and links to images that should not be found on America's most popular retail site (but unfortunately are). I have refrained from showing you any highly offensive pictures. But if you want a good laugh, clink on the links or, better yet, do a search of men's undergarments on Amazon.com.

After a few weeks of nagging (no, not from me, from my other half), I found myself in the position of having to buy some male undergarments. Easy enough, right? After six-and-a-half years of practically-wedded bliss, I had literally built up my hubby's entire wardrobe. You see, it all started when the object of my affection dressed more like a construction worker than a suave young stud. Somehow, by the grace of God (or more likely, generous portions of alcohol), my knight in shining armour managed to woo me in nothing more than a tattered, faded, paint-splattered polo shirt -- mind you, that he didn't even buy, but that was delegated to him by his previous job to wear at work -- and a pair of extremely loose, threadbare pair of khaki pants. That shirt, along with a torn, paper-thin gray tee and some holey socks, was the full extent of his attire. Talk about opposites attracting! You can see the gargantuan task that had lay before me. Over the years, I brought home piece after piece, from socks to trousers to boxers to new hole-less tee shirts. I added to the collection polo shirts, jeans, long-sleeved tees, sweatshirts, coats, shoes, pants in colors other than khaki, then eventually suits and button-down shirts. Through my patience and persistent efforts, I slowly but surely turned him from a shabby (not chic) specimen to a respectable-looking professional.

The problem was, his closet was now bursting at the seams and threatening to invade my carefully carved-out closet space that I had tenaciously fought for. What began as a small section that he shared in my closet and a simple set of drawers that contained all his underthings had grown to a veritable closet in its own right. I was not surprised, therefore, when he demanded his own closet in our soon-to-be master bedroom in the new house that we had bought. "Fine," I contended (or rather, hissed), but under one condition: he could have his very own closet if I was allowed to annex 6 feet of wall space in the bedroom, enclose it, and build a laundry closet. I mean, the new master bedroom had not only a small walk-in closet but a second closet, so it was only fair to share. Little did I know the mousetrap I had walked into. Now that he had his own closet, he continued to expand his clothing collection, sometimes even buying pieces himself! Yes, he actually walked into the store and bought himself a few pairs of pants and a pair of shoes. I was shocked and worried at the same time. What if he stopped listening to me and started buying clothes that he liked instead of clothes that I liked? It was unthinkable.

But then I realized that, the more clothes he had, the lower my dry cleaning bill would be (assuming he would actually wear more of the clothes) and the less laundry I would have to do. And I already do laundry twice a week! You'd think a guy with 3 weeks worth of shirts and pants would be easier to care for. Not so. Turns out, he wears the same 4 polos and pants all week long, then the same 3 tee shirts, jeans, and shorts Friday through Sunday. The rest of his overflowing wardrobe just sits in his closet, for which he claims various excuses. Too short, too tight, too faded, to underarm-stained, too this, too that. So why doesn't he give the things he doesn't need away, like I do every 3 months? Oh no, because what would he do if he gained a few pounds/lost a few pounds/needed some shabby clothes to do chores in, or just decided that he liked hunter green again? And to make matters worse, the small group of "acceptable" articles that he wore sometimes only lasted for half the day, then he would decide to change into something "more comfortable" or more suited to whichever mood he was in. Yes, my friends, my husband has become a girl (at least in the wardrobe department). Don't ask me why I do all the laundry in the first place. It's another mousetrap that I walked into when I insisted on building a laundry closet in the bedroom.

Anyway, I grudgingly agreed to buy more stupid gray undershirts. Being the lazy bargain shopper that I am, I immediately went online to find the best deal possible so I wouldn’t have to go to the store. Before you give me the benefit of the doubt and allege that I have a certain discomfort level with buying men's unmentionables -- the female version of "male tampon buying syndrome" so to speak -- I appreciate the thought. But let me assure you that I have no qualms whatsoever with buying any unmentionables, male or female. I could care less if I'm in the grocery store buying maxi-pads and the checkout clerk yells for a price check. No, I'm not embarrased to buy "personal" stuff. Just plain lazy. My snookums' entire boxer collection has arrived by mail from Old Navy. If I can buy something without leaving the house, I will.

I set to work, typing in “men’s gray undershirts” to start my search. Logically, Google led me to Amazon. Not so logically, Amazon then commenced to spit out 4 pages of decidedly "gay undershirts." And so much more. A little too much, I'd say. Picture after picture came up of underthings that I didn't know men wanted to buy. I can understand jock straps, but next to the jock straps were images of males donning thongs, slings, strategic padding devices, completely inappropriate-looking workout garments, and other inexplicable inventions. The ridiculous poses and facial expressions that the models bore made it even more laughable. The wort part was having to look at the huge bulging male anatomy shrinkwrapped in various constricting materials. I simply could not imagine any male actually putting these contraptions on.

I was horrified enough when I was contently watching one of my favorite shows one evening, "What Not to Wear", and the male co-host, Clinton Kelly, made me do a double-take. It was a special episode about strategic undergarments that made a woman's not-so-best assets look much more flattering, and thus allowed her to wear ensembles that she previously wouldn't have dreamed of wearing. Well, towards the end of the episode, after all 3 guinea pigs had completed their transformation and were modeling their new looks, Clinton Kelly beckoned them all to come close and peer down his backside. He then proceeded to do a self-wedgie and produced a thin strap of support fabric from inside his jeans, proudly demonstrating a male thong. I almost fell out of my chair. The 3 poor girls were at a loss for words -- their facial expressions ranged from pity to sheer horror. Even Stacy London's mouth fell open.

Look, I own a large collection of thongs. They have excellent uses in a female's wardrobe. They're practically a staple in the summer, when a girl wears a lot of thin materials. Personally, I don't feel the need to wear thongs under jeans, but then, I don't generally wear skintight jeans. I also figure that denim generally has enough thickness to allow for a pair of sheer silk bikini briefs or at least some gossamer lace panties. However, I'll give a girl her thong if she wants to wear it under everything. But please tell me, what would compel a guy to wear a thong under a regular pair of jeans? Clinton Kelly, being an exceptionally well-dressed man, knows better than to squeeze his behind into a pair of tight trousers. Plus, we all expect to find some briefs or boxes under a man's pants. There's no need to eliminate the male panty line. Unless you're a male stripper and your work outfit consists of a single G-string, what possible reason could a man have to wear undoubtedly uncomfortable underwear? (More perplexing, what possessed Clinton Kelly to show his thong on national television?) Yet, there is a plethora of male "speciality" undergarments.

Lest you think Amazon.com is a family-friendly site, think again. You'll find row after row of bulging full-frontals and enhanced profiles of men squeezed into rather cramped quarters, so to speak. Some of the garb made me reconsider my lunch. Now, if more of these men looked like Mark Wahlberg or Matt Damon (after the "The Bourne" trilogy makeover), it would be a different story. Heck, I'd give up my lunch hour to ogle Mark Wahlberg in his Calvins. In fact, I would like to take this opportunity to thank Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger for providing some of the least unpleasant images of men in underwear (except for Calvin Klein's inopportune body thong) as well as for showcasing some of the best-built bods around. Not that they were any more family-friendly, but at least they were friendlier on the stomach. Unfortunately, some of the men in the other ads looked like Deuce Bigalow or, on the other extreme, a gay version of Ricky Martin with strapping quads. Not a pretty picture. I have nothing against gay and lesbian individuals, but I don't want to see gay porn stars on steroids modeling underwear on Amazon.com. And while I concede that there is definitely a place for novelty undergarments, I'm completely clueless as to why a search for "men's gray undershirts" would yield both a lime-green Classic Silk Knit Thong (classic, you say?) and a Male Power Posing Strap (warning: this image is highly unsavory).

I mentioned this to my friend Anna and sent her some of the most disturbing images. She was equally puzzled. Here are some of my favorites. This outfit (right) does nothing to flatter a man's ego. In fact, the first thing I thought of was, did this guy wet his pants? How about the derriere-enhancing Padded Boxer Butt Brief? You reach out to give his cheeks a squeeze, only to discover that they're not his real cheeks. Or this Male Power Super Sock with a “contoured pouch for profile enhancement,” which also comes in a fetching leopard print for your wearing enjoyment. I mean, how inadequate must a guy feel to buy extra bulge? Try to imagine the embarrassment when the poor guy has to take it off and show his real size. I know, I know, women have their push-up bras. But that's because women's bosoms have traditionally been acceptable to display throughout the course of history. Besides, men are always clammoring to see more of them. Women, on the other hand, do not want to see male enhancement in public.

I was practically rolling on the floor when I read this product name and description (below image): "Balls In One Brief - Finally a brief that holds everything in place and doesn't squish your balls! Designed to fit a mans anatomy perfectly with a cool mesh pouch for your sack and a unique fit that helps your shaft to point up... Also available in thong and Erector Brief styles." I have cropped the bottom out of the image but you can see it in all its glory and read the helpful product review by clicking on the image. The poor model looks like he is about to be strip-searched in prison. That, or a female dominatrix is forcing him to take his shirt off. Nothing, however, could have prepared me for this dreadful image. Whoever invented the Undergear Big Rib Bodysuit should be forced to wash women's underwear in public and hang them outisde his window. Men should not be allowed to wear this contraption! I'm not even going to ask how the black spandex Padded Hip And Butt Panty Shaper For Crossdressing, Transgender And Transvestite Men made it into the search results.

More bewildering to me was that real men actually left reviews for these products, using their full names in some cases and in stunning detail. I don’t even want to imagine that men wear these things, and I sure as hell don’t want to know their names and what they do for a living! For example, when reviewing the Male Power Super Sock, Joe Average "Joe" (yes, this is his real Amazon username) from Florida writes, "Unfortunately, my experience with this product is less than stellar. For one, I am a very hairy man. A VERY HAIRY MAN. The look was completely different from the picture. Secondly, upon closer inspection of the product pictured, it appears that the model has a SOCK stuffed in the front! That must be what they mean by super sock. Anyway, when I crammed my package in there, it looked a prairie dog popping up out of its hole. Lastly, watch out for the string...it gets stinky." Whoa!!! That's way more information than a girl or even another guy ever needed to know. It's one thing to review shoes on Zappos.com, but quite another to enlighten the general population about your no-so-fresh feeling. I can safely predict that Joe's dating adventures are about as stellar as his experience with the Super Sock.

Then there is perfectly practical gear that looks anything but normal in the picture. When I first saw this Under Armour Men's Long Sleeve Turf Gear, I mistook it for a Halloween costume. Luckily, Anna was quick to enlighten me on the virtues of Under Armour. Apparently, it is not an undershirt at all, but a moisture-wicking fabric. She also threw in the all-important factoid that it was invented by a former University of Maryland football player and has really become the gold standard for athletic wear. Football players love them. Of course, I dig football players! By all means, wick on, wick off... But you might want to consider modifying your print ads. Right now, they probably scare the pants off young children (no pun intended). The ad shows an imposing maroon (or red) Incredible Hulk torso with no head, just an open neck, and no sign of a man’s body underneath. My immediate thought when I saw it was, does it pop out of the box that way, all brawny and muscle-toned, flexing both bicepts? My next thought was, boy, I'd hate to be the skinny teenage nerd or the middle-aged man with serious love handles taking this out of the box for the first time. It would make me feel a teensy bit inadequate. And my third thought was, I’d be afraid, very afraid, that as soon as I put it on, that it would turn me into the maroon (or bright red) Incredible Hulk.

By the end of my browsing experience, I was so disturbed by the frightening images I had viewed, I was effectively curtailed from purchasing men's undergarments online ever again. Alas, I was forced to leave the house. Anna suggested that I hit Target or the Gap outlet instead. A few days later, I found myself sifting through piles of undergarments alongside males of all stripes. To their credit, they didn't bat an eyelash as I turned over the entire stock of undershirts. I have witnessed, on the other hand, plenty of men stared down by women as they sorted through racks of bras and panties in the lingerie department. The notable exception is Victoria's Secret, which goes out of their way to make men feel welcome and even helps them purchase the right attire. One can only hope that these men are buying it for someone other than themselves (and preferably a female).

Surprisingly, it wasn't that easy to find multi-packs of simple, gray undershirts. I kept running into multi-packs that had assorted colors, or undershirts that had pockets. Or, undershirts that had banded collars and sleeves. I found two separate packages of potential shirts but neither were in the size I was looking for. Naturally, I found plenty printed gray tee shirts, "hefty" tees, and v-necks, none of which I needed. Target had some eligible options, but they were either the right size and wrong color, or vice versa. The only acceptable combination came with extra details I didn't want, or cost more than $10-15 each -- way more than my budget. I almost broke down and bought designer undershirts at Macy's that cost $20 per shirt, but then I remembered that I was on an unusually tight budget. Fortunately, I had much better luck at TJ Maxx, where I managed to find a tee that was gray, lightweight, unprinted, unbanded, and came in all different sizes. There were even multiples so I could get 2 or 3 in the same size. The best part? It cost only $4.99. Perfect for my slim budget. I took home 2 and figured I could come back for more if my picky man liked them.

Postscript:

I'm glad to report the he liked the tee shirts and is already wearing them. Thanks for saving the day, TJ Maxx! And, my eyes. Sorry Amazon, but I won't be visiting again anytime soon. Who knows what could happen? I might be searching for an innocent pair of "tennis socks" and be accosted by an enigmatic mime in an electric blue Complete Body Unitard (right) who appears to be performing a scene from "Cats." Or a lovely pair of shag carpet-like ruffled Petipants (undies?), which look alarmingly like they were spun from Dolly the sheep. How, exactly, do these two items fall under the category of "socks and hosiery"? (Though I am pleasantly surprised to have come across a rather useful and appropriately-classified item, toe-less pantyhose -- for those who insist on wearing peep-toe pumps in the dead of winter and need some leg coverage.) Next time I want to buy men's undergarments, I'll stick to Old Navy for boxers and TJ Maxx for the rest.

The Cost of a Couture Coffee Habit

As I sit here and savor my exceptional cappucino with a decadently buttery, flaky, warm croissant, I contemplate how fortunate I am to be able to enjoy this in the comfort of my own home, in my bathrobe and bunny slippers. I wrote last summer about how much I had come to depend on the simplicity of my beloved instant Starbucks espresso pods. Well, I'm happy to report that my Starbucks addiction has been replaced with an addiction to fresh Illy espresso beans. You see, one of the wedding presents we received last fall was a completely automatic espresso machine, the Saeco Charisma. Normally, it retails for $700, but being the good shopper that I am, I lucked out just as this model went on sale at Costco. My uncle actually found the great deal. Upon returning from our Italian honeymoon adventure, my hubby and I had grown accustomed to experiencing absolutely perfect espressos and cappucinos whenever we wanted them -- and we always wanted them.

Although we weren't trashing our current Gaggia Carezza that had started us on our homemade espresso habit, frankly, the little Carezza just wasn't cutting it lately. It had always been a little temperamental -- emotional, we called it, like many Italians -- but now, it was having nervous breakdowns. The coffee's crema wasn't coming through sometimes, it leaked water constantly, and it took a long time to heat up. If you didn't heat it up enough, the first cup wasn't good and you had to dump it. If you didn't let it recharge sufficiently between shots, it ruined the second cup. There was also the issue with the espresso pods. It was a blessing to have them, so much easier and cleaner were they than grinding, measuring, and tamping coffee beans, then cleaning all the grounds and dust out. But the pods made it hard to make large capuccinos or lattes, supposing you wanted a double or even triple shot. And forget about entertaining guests. It was okay if no one was in a hurry and you could wait 5 minutes between serving each person a single shot, but it was impossible to make 4, 6, or 10 grande beverages in a row. Don't even think about trying to steam milk afterwards. So I resigned myself to the fact that, having now been spoiled by the Italians for life, we might need to upgrade our machine.

I mentioned to my uncle that it would be really swell to own a totally automatic machine so I would get my fix even faster with more consistent quality. I had often visited him and he would make the most amazing espresso drinks for the entire family-- he could make 10 double-shots without waiting for the machine to "reload." Now, to all the purists out there who insist that the only "true" cup of espresso is the kind that you freshly grind on the ideal setting, tamp to perfection, and steam pressure into your cup -- frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. These purists claim that an automatic machine makes it difficult to control some of the aspects of the process. Well I say to them, it's not my goal to become a professional barrista. My sole purpose is to quickly make a consistently tasty, painless cup of cappucino with minimal preparation and cleanup, and still have time to prepare a great sandwich or sweet with it.

My uncle asked if I would like to own the same machine as he does, and naturally, I jumped at the opportunity. So he suggested that we send him back the very generous check that he had given us and instead, he would buy us an automatic espresso machine. The timing couldn't be better, he claimed, as the same Saeco Charisma that he owned, which retails for $700, was currently on sale at Costco for just $450. This multifunctional model takes whole coffee beans, grinds them at an adjustable setting, makes single, double, or even triple shots with your desired concentration just by pushing a button, and even steams milk. It needs just 1 minute to heat up and no rest periods between multiple cups. Cleanup is easy, just open up the front door, slide out the tray, and dump out the grounds after every few uses. We were very excited to try it.

About a week later, I brought home the Saeco Charisma in its gigantic box after picking it up from my uncle's house. We couldn't wait to unpack it, and there was a lot to unpack with this sizeable contraption. After we got everything unwrapped, washed, and set-up, we just had to try it out. One problem though -- we didn't have any fresh coffee beans. Being Saturday night and with nothing really open, we were forced to wait until the following morning. Without undo hesitation, I ran out the next day to Balducci's to buy the ultimate luxury in coffee: Illy coffee beans. Finally, I would be able to enjoy espresso the way it was meant to be enjoyed -- freshly ground and pressure-brewed. As soon as I got home with the stash of beans, I opened up the vacuum-sealed can and inhaled the incredible aroma of what some people call the world's finest coffee. Yes, I looked like all the idiots in the coffee commercials, sticking my nose right into the can and taking huge whiffs like I was trying to get high off the coffee vapors. But I didn't care. And this wasn't Maxwell House, it was Illy. So the inhaling was good.

Now, I will admit, it took us a while to figure out the correct grind setting for the coffee beans. Some people prefer theirs ground to a powder while others like a little coarseness in the grind. We found that a little bit of coarseness was good. We also had to adjust the concentration of the brew. This was easy, we set it on the highest concentration for maximum potency. Now, all we had to do was press the button -- once for a single shot and twice for a double shot -- and we were treated to the intoxicating aroma of freshly ground beans plus the rich flavor of an espresso. And floating on top of the deep brown liquid was a nice think layer of golden crema. Ah, bellissimo! One taste was worth a thousand words. Illy coffee measured up to its reputation, and the Saeco Charisma measured up to its $450. Another nice thing about buying electronic equipment at Costco is that you can deal directly with them for repairs or replacements. I've heard horror stories from consumers who have tried to deal with Saeco. Just don't.

It took us another couple of weeks to fine-tune our grind and concentration settings, but we finally settled on our preferred combination, with a little bit of advice from my uncle. We also tried different coffee beans. Having run out of Illy one weeknight and with Starbucks being the only open option, we brought home a bag of Starbuck's espresso roast. Well, I'd like to say it was a fine-tasting specimen, but it wasn't quite what we had gotten used to. So we didn't bother with Starbucks again. We tried some organic brands from Whole Foods as well as our favorite Dunkin Donuts Hazelnut coffee, which is the only bean allowed to touch our drip coffeemaker. We tried some flavored beans from Ghirardelli and some other brand that I have now forgotten, but the coffee was weak. We finally agreed that Illy coffee was worth the expense. At $11.99 per can, it was no bargain, but if you're lucky and live near a Balducci's, you might receive coupons once in a while. They can vary from $5 to $10 off your total purchase, and they definitely help defray the cost of our expensive habit. To say that Illy coffee is priced high is an understatement. If you compare it with Starbucks Espresso Roast beans, which cost $10.45 per pound, Illy's just-over half-pound can is a little exorbitant at $11.99. Believe it or not, most online retailers charge between $12-14 per can, even when they're trying to sell you the economy "valuepak" of 6 cans. But if you must have the best, you'll grudgingly pay for it. At least I can save a few bucks with Balducci's coupons. Thank goodness for the little things.

And it is worth it. Every penny. The taste of a freshly ground, freshly brewed espresso is unbeatable. Add in perfectly steamed and frothed milk, a dash of cinnamon, and a dash of cocoa powder, and you're in heaven. Sit down and enjoy your morning latte or cappucino with a warm, flaky croissant or a toasted sesame bagel with cream cheese and you've found nirvana. Have an afternoon latte or an evening espresso with a big chewy cookie or a gooey cinnamon bun and you'll feel like a kid again (albeit, a kid who is allowed to drink espresso beverages). My mother-in-law even taught us how to make a yummy Italian delicacy that she saw Giada De Laurentiis make on her show once. Brew a single shot of espresso, then pour over vanilla ice cream. Presto, you've got an instant fancy dessert! We modified this recipe slightly by pouring espresso over coffee ice cream and adding a piece of waffle cone.

Being the discount diva that I am, I once again sat down and calculated how much I was saving by indulging in my cappucino habit from home instead of spending it at a coffee shop. Last year, I calculated that Starbucks espresso pods saved me $600 to $900 per year. Now let's see what my couture coffee habit from my totally automatic machine was saving me, if anything. Let's say you have a tall latte or cappucino 5 days per week for one year. Divide the price of the automatic espresso machine by 5 years, which is theoretically how long a machine of this quality is supposed to last. That's $450 divided by 5, which equals $90 per year. Add in the cost of Illy coffee beans. I would guesstimate that each 8.8 ounce can of Illy coffee makes about 30 single shots, so 15 double-shot servings, or 3 weeks worth of servings. Divide 52 weeks by 3 and multiply by $11.99, the price of one can. That comes to $208. Add in the cost of milk. Well, you're going to buy milk anyway, so do you really need to add it in? Okay, add in $100 for milk, because with an automatic espresso machine, you'll go through twice the milk. I assume you have cinnamon and cocoa powder in your cupboard, so just add a tiny sprinkle. I personally no longer find the need to add flavored syrups to my coffee, now that I actually enjoy the divine taste of my coffee. However, if you like caramel, vanilla, or hazelnut lattes, subtract the cost of Illy coffee and buy Starbucks espresso roast instead. It's a weaker coffee, but the syrups will cover up much of the coffee's real taste anyway. The money you save on coffee beans will cancel out the few extra-large bottles of syrup you'll go through per year. So, the grand total for one year's worth of homemade espressso beverages? $398. Divide that by 5 beverages over 52 weeks. That comes to $1.53 per beverage.

Is it cheaper than Starbucks? You bet!! It's about half the price of a tall espresso beverage. And if you're in the habit of buying grande beverages, you'd really save a bundle by brewing at home. You can save between $390 and $442 per year! Just imagine how much you can save an entire household -- double for a household of two, triple if you have 2 roommates or teenagers (or adult children). $390-442 buys a lot of shoes. Or a weekend getaway to Florida. Or a case of your favorite wine. Or a knockout Marc Jacobs coat, on sale of course. Or a fabulous new Coach bag. Or a fabulous used Gucci bag on ebay. Or a new 19-inch flat-screen monitor so you don't have to squint. Or a new comfy armchair (plus Ottoman if you buy it at Ikea). I'm sure you can find plenty of ways to spend the money you save.

But is it better than Starbucks? Are you kidding me? You get the best-tasting coffee with Illy beans. Not to mention the comfort of your favorite chair at home. Plus much cheaper (and I would argue better) pastries and bagels to go with it. You can even add a little liqueur if your workday didn't go so well. Or a few drizzles of chocolate syrup to upgrade to a mocha for free. (I know you keep chocolate syrup on hand. If not, I'm sure you keep hot fudge sauce on hand. No? Just melt some chocolate chips or a Hershey's kiss, for heaven's sake. I know you have some form of chocolate in your home. It doesn't count as an added expense.) You can make all those refreshing iced mochas and frappucinos for less too.

The best part? You can make it anytime you want, and you don't even have to get out of your bunny slippers. That alone is worth it. My coffee cup runneth over.

Photos courtesy of Illy (coffee in can and coffee in 2 cups), 1-800-Espresso (Saeco Charisma automatic espresso machine), and AtomicCafe.com's gorgeous photos of coffee art from the Latte Art Show.)

Postscript:

I read that the Saeco Charisma has been discontinued. But there are several units still being sold by retailers, for much less than the original $700 price tag. I just saw the Saeco Charisma priced at just $399 at Amazon. It is sold through J&R, an online retailer. It doesn't indicate whether this price is for a new or refurbished model, but there is nothing in the description to indicate that it's not new. I saw a refurbished one on Amazon for $300, but it may be gone now that the new one is selling for $399. There are also some retailers selling it between $500-600. Hey, if you buy it for $399, your cost per beverage drops slightly to $1.49. You can't beat that!

Free Beauty in your Cupboard

We all know your face is your fortune. How else can we as Americans justify spending a staggering $45 billion per year on cosmetics? Just think about that for a minute. $45 billion dollars. That's larger than some countries' entire economies. Another interesting figure: North Americans eat more chocolate than any country in the world -- 12 pounds per person per year -- yet we spend just $8.9 billion on chocolate annually. We know that the average person eats about 1 pound of chocolate per month, and we collectively spend roughly $7.42 million monthly. Meanwhile, we collectively spend $3.75 billion monthly on cosmetics and use maybe 1-2 pounds per month each. Now, I tend to believe that chocolate tastes much better than most cosmetics. And you know what else? We use maybe twice the amount of cosmetics but pay 5 times more for it each month! There's no doubt that chocolate is a whole lot cheaper. And we know it works.

Cosmetics, on the other hand, are hit or miss. Few products in our collection can be considered the ultimate salvation for our face, body, or hair. Most cosmetics cost more than we'd like to pay for them, even the less expensive ones. Some cost more than many of us can afford each month. Those that don't cost much run the gamut of barely acceptable to mediocre. It's a rare product that is both cheap and works exceptionally well. Often, we find a product that works well but is so exorbitantly expensive that we have to give up other things. Most aggravating, however, is spending too much year after year on cosmetics that cost twice what they should and still don't solve our beauty problems. Yet we continue to search for the elusive wrinkle cream, the perfect moisturizer, the best shampoo, the most powerful eye cream, the most natural-looking foundation, the most lengthening mascara, the strongest nail polish, and so on. And we continue to spend $45 billion year after year.

Why do we do it? Well that's easy, we want to look our best and project the best possible image. But why do we spend such enormous sums of money on products that may or may not end up working? Is it because we are eternal optimists, hoping that tomorrow's buy will be better than today's? Are we naive, believing that if we buy the products in the glossy magazine ads, we'll turn out looking just like the models? Do we arrogantly buy into the promises of science, thinking that if there are enough cutting-edge molecules and chemical formulas, it just has to work? We are guilty of all of these. It's not enough to just be clean. If it were, we would simply wash our faces and bodies with plain soap and water and get out the door (probably in the fraction of the time most of us do). We want to look beautiful. We need to feel beautiful. For most women, looking beautiful is the key to feeling beautiful. Whether this attitude is healthy or not isn't the point. The point is, the need to feel beautiful is a major emotional need. Therefore, we'll spend whatever it takes to be beautiful. Even if it means giving up time, money, and other purchases.

Cosmetic companies know this, and they take full advantage of it. La Mer is one of the most expensive skin care brands out there. Despite this, the list of devotees is long and very distinguished. I've heard a girl say that she would rather give up groceries than her La Mer skin care regime because it makes her skin as smooth as a baby's bottom. Hey, as long as we're paying for a solution to our problems, we can overlook the fact that we're paying $110 for a 1-ounce jar of cream, or $65 for a 6.7-ounce cleanser. No wonder we're spending $45 billion a year on beauty products!

But let's think for a minute what all cosmetics are made of: chains and chains of molecules, forming dozens of ingredients. Some of those ingredients have been created in a lab and refined to exquisite perfection, thanks to decades of research. Many of the ingredients, on the other hand, have been used for centuries throughout the world. Think about some of the beauty "breakthroughs" that have happened in the past 20 years. Alpha and beta hydroxy acids. Guess where they come from? Plain old fruits and fermented milk products. Antioxidant creams. Guess what the common ingredients are? Vitamin C and algae. How about cellulite and skin-firming creams? You'll find a shot of caffeine in these. Kinetin and cellulose? Derived from plants. Hydrating sprays and atomizers? Pumped-up water.

And then there are the obvious. Salt and sugar scrubs. Milk baths. Aloe Vera juice. Cocoa butter. Olive oil soaps. Shea butter creams. Seaweed. Ginger . Green, white, and chamomile tea. Soy products. Just to name a few. The truth is, science discovers then imitates nature. Remember the ancient Egyptians, who dyed their hair, used deodorants, and wore kohl eye makeup and ochre lip color? Not unlike ourselves, they had an aversion to wrinkles and blemishes, thus developing a few effective potions. Even 4000 years ago the Egyptians knew enough about cosmetic chemistry to create shiny and matte versions of face powders!

The fact is, all cosmetics and body products were once made from "natural" materials. Even now, when we have the ability to enhance atoms and create new molecules, we still turn to nature for the building blocks of many of our favorite beauty remedies. If the earth is still the source of so many cosmetic products, then how does a tiny jar of cream become worth $110? Is it the ingredients themselves that are rare and therefore pricey? No, usually the ingredients are quite common, either available in natural form or easy to duplicate. Unless you're buying a serum with crushed pearls or black caviar, the ingredients themselves are not the main reason for the insane price tag.

The reason these compounds cost a fortune is threefold: someone has to research & develop them, someone has to market them, and someone has to sell them. Research & development accounts for overhead of only a few renegade companies at any given time. You see, as soon as one company makes a big discovery, the other companies benefit. Pretty soon, the new miracle ingredient spreads to all the major cosmetic companies, eventually filtering down to your drugstore brands (most of which, by the way, are owned by mega-giants of the cosmetic or pharmaceutical industry). Yes, it is marketing (and its children, packaging and endorsement) that allow companies to mark up products to the infinite degree. Some formulations cost as little as pennies or a few dollars to produce. Add in the price of packaging, retail sales commissions, advertising, endorsements, and promotions, and you've got anywhere from a 20% to 800% markup.

Think "natural" brands are less innocuous? Aveda and Origins, both plant-based brands, enjoy a healthy double-digit profit margin. Estee Lauder, which owns not only Aveda and Origins, but also Clinique, Prescriptives, M.A.C, Bobbi Brown, La Mer, Darphin, Jo Malone perfumes, and Bumble & Bumble haircare (as well as others), raked in a 74.1 percent 5-year gross profit margin, well above the industry's 52.1 percent and the average S&P 500 company's 44 percent. In fact, some plant and organic brands appreciate a higher-than-average return on investment because they cater to consumers who are prepared to pay more. Besides, who has the time to hunt down Tamanu nuts in the South Pacific, harvest wild meadowfoam seed oil, and charge tourmaline, then mix them all together with the proper additives to form a usable concoction? Aveda does. The rest of us will shell out $38 to buy the moisturizer and $24 to buy the cleanser.

Fortunately, exotic plant oils and rare minerals are not the only ways to get beautiful skin and hair. Plenty of excellent ingredients are not only available cheaply, but can be found right in your cupboard. The more disillusioned I get with expensive beauty treatments, the more I look for cheaper, alternative products. Frustrated with store-bought cosmetics that just don't cut it and concerned about a shrinking wallet, I undertook an investigation of homemade beauty remedies. I searched the net, surveyed other women, and learned that there is a plethora of cures for all different skin and hair ailments. I tried many of these remedies myself. On their own, they do a nice job of making my skin and hair look and feel better. Mixed with other ingredients, they can be even more effective. And I'm happy to report that some of these homemade treatments actually work not only as well, but *gasp* better than their pricey heavily-marketed counterparts. Best of all, they don't have added fragrances or chemicals that can irritate skin.

Disclaimer: I want to point out that different products work differently on different people. Some of these products work effectively for me, but may not do much for you. Conversely, a lot of people rave about household cures that frankly do nothing for me. So take all of these tips as tips, not gospel. I also want to stress that there is always a possibility that one or more of these ingredients may irritate you or cause an allergic reaction. It’s always best to do a spot test by putting a small amount of a product on the inside of your wrist to see if there are adverse effects. This is wise not just for homemade cures but for all products, particularly if you have sensitive skin. Finally, I want to assure you that I am not advocating that you stop buying cosmetics from the store and switch to only homemade cures. This is not only time-consuming but also silly. I mean, do you want your favorite brands to go out of business? Then who would make your favorite mascara, lipstick, and self-tanner? Besides, there are plenty of great products out there that are worth buying. I don’t know what I’d do without my Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturizer, Estee Lauder Idealist, or Alterna Hemp Repair Weekly Treatment conditioner (not to mention many other worthwhile hair, makeup, and body products). So by all means, continue using the products you love – and don’t hate paying for. Just do some experimenting every now and then with free ingredients that are already in your cupboard or medicine cabinet.

Here are some commonly found household products and their cosmetic uses:

Oatmeal. One of my all-time favorite treatments for so many ailments. When I was young and spent summers with my aunt, we used to visit the sauna in her health club and she would bring along a baggie of raw oatmeal. She would dump some oatmeal into two Styrofoam cups, add hot water, then we would go and steam our bodies. After we came out, we would apply the oatmeal paste to our face and neck then relax with tea and chat. After 20 minutes we would remove the mask and emerge with the most clarified, tightened skin ever. Oatmeal is truly a miracle food. You can apply it to your skin to soothe itches and irritations from poison ivy, insect bites, and chicken pox. When I'm stuck with a case of heartburn or reflux acid, I rush into the kitchen and eat two tablespoons of raw oatmeal. It absorbs everything from oil to acid to impurities. Very few people have negative reactions to oatmeal.

Honey. An excellent antibacterial, drying agent, and skin lightener, honey has been used since Egyptian times for numerous body treatments. Got pimples? Apply pure honey as a spot treatment, cover with a band-aid, and leave overnight. It should shrink your blemish by morning and help get rid of bacteria. Want tighter skin? Apply a mask of honey to your entire face, leave on for 20 minutes, and rinse. Your skin will be drier and tighter. If it's too drying, mix with avocado. It also dries out insect bites. On a whim, I once squirted honey right from the squeezy jar on a large insect bite -- possibly a spider bite -- that appeared suddenly one morning. The bite was about 1.5 inches in diameter, was raised to about 1/8-inch thickness, and wouldn't stop itching. All day, I had tried to relieve the itching with witch hazel, which worked temporarily, but didn't reduce the size of the bite. My husband insisted that I put cortisone on it, which I did, but it had not effect whatsoever. Later that evening, after the itching had become unbearable, I decided to coat the bite it with a generous glob of honey and cover it with a large Band-Aid, figuring it had a least a chance of working. Lo and behold, when I woke up the following morning, the bite had shrunk in half, was flatter, and wasn't itching much. I changed the dressing and applied fresh honey and a smaller Band-Aid, leaving in on all day. The next day, my bite had become just a fraction of its original size and was completely flat. I did notice an icky smell in the dressing after I had removed it, which did not smell like honey at all, but like something that had come out of my bite. I thought maybe the honey had drawn out some of the venom or whatever was in there. I later read that honey has made a resurgence as a treatment for open wounds and burns, large due to its anti-microbial and anti-inflammatory properties. It is even safe to use on internal tissue and causes no tissue damage. They say that pure unrefined honey is better, especially on flesh wounds, but my little supermarket-bought squeezy jar worked fine for skin problems. I'm definitely going to keep using this miracle cure!

Cocoa Powder and Cocoa Butter. Guess what cocoa contains? Caffeine. And guess what caffeine does for skin? It restricts your blood vessels, thus temporarily tightening and firming your skin. Mix cocoa powder with water and apply anywhere on your skin that needs firming. It acts as a temporarily fix for cellulite, so use it before you get into that swimsuit. Cocoa is also alkaline, so it can be used if your skin's pH level is too acidic. Cocoa butter is one of the most effective moisturizers available. It helps make skin elastic, supple, and does wonders for stretch marks. Just buy the cheapest cocoa butter you can find and it will do the trick. Plus, it smells heavenly!

Salt. You know how after you go to the beach, the air is fresh, your skin is somehow cleaner, and your face is less oily (except if you were out in the sun for too long or if you used an oily sunscreen)? Salt is a natural drying agent, and sea salt in particular contains loads of healthy minerals such as iodine, zinc, and magnesium. There may also be traces of seaweed and algae. Next time you go to the beach, bring home a large jar of seawater. Rinse twice a day with it after washing your face. If you're not planning to make a beach escape anytime soon, buy some sea salt and mix with warm water to dissolve some of the minerals. Use it as a rinse for your face, as well as a gargle for your throat to prevent nose and throat ailments. Sea salt and kosher (or coarse) salt also makes a great body scrub, hence all those designer salt scrubs packed into pretty jars. Mix it with mashed papaya or papaya juice, or with seaweed from your local Asian market.

Sugar. Another great body scrub, hence all those yummy-smelling sugar scrubs in beauty shops. It may be gentler on dry or sensitive skin than salt scrubs, and you can easily make your own with combinations of household ingredients. I make a sugar and olive oil scrub, which both exfoliates and moisturizes. You an also mix sugar with papaya, mango, and orange. To make a body scrub for sensitive skin, combine sugar with peppermint, either oil or tea.

Baking Soda. A very effective skin soother after insect stings, as it draws out been venom and other toxins. it's also yet another good srub, particularly if you're looking for a gentle one. You can use it on your face, which you may not be able to do with some of the heavier scrubs.

Lemon. Women have been using lemon juice for centuries to lighten skin, hair, and to get rid of blemishes. It also fades scars, helps eliminate excess oil, and may help keep acne at bay.

Orange. A more gentle chemical exfoliator for those who find lemon juice or physical scrubs too harsh on skin. Orange juice can help to dissolve oil. Mashed oranges make a refreshing skin treat after a hot day. Vitamin C helps prevent wrinkles and as well as skin cancer. It also makes a yummy body scrub when mixed with sugar.

Yogurt and Buttermilk. My mother used to apply yogurt and buttermilk to sunburned skin. Keep it in the fridge and make a compress for overheated skin, or, apply directly to the skin. It not only cools and hydrates the skin, but the lactic acid helps turn over the skin for rapid healing. Make a buttermilk bath or sponge bath. The gentle exfoliating and moisturizing will help keep skin young. It also helps restore healthy pH levels to your skin. Eating yogurt and other fermented products helps keep the digestive system healthy, particularly if it has live active cultures. Plain yogurt with live acidophilus is an effective treatment for yeast infections.

Aspirin (Do not use if you have an allergy to Aspirin). It's not just good for headaches, fevers and heart disease. It is an anti-inflammatory, but did you know it is also a strong blemish fighter? The main ingredient in Aspirin, salicylic acid, is the same ingredient used in acne treatments. Aspirin can be a powerful yet gentle face scrub. Many people swear by aspirin face masks to help clear up acne, refine pores, and reduce redness and blemishes. I do an aspirin mask about once a week. To be honest, I don't think it's a miracle cure for my face, but it's something cheap, easy, and works for a lot of people. In my case, I attribute more than half of the positive effects to the honey, but the aspirin is a less irritating scrub than others I have tried. To make an aspirin mask, grind up 8-10 aspirin. Or, you can grind up 50 aspirin at a time and keep them in a Ziploc baggie. When you're ready to make a mask, place the ground aspirin into a dish and add 5 drops of hot water. Then drizzle about 1 teaspoon of honey on top. Heat the mixture in the microwave for 10 seconds, then stir it up with your finger. Apply the sticky paste to your face, layering more on problem areas. Leave on for 25-30 minutes. Later in the day, your skin should feel tighter, more refined, and have smaller blemishes. Others mix aspirin with aloe vera juice and Cetaphil lotion, while many fans just use aspirin and water.

Cucumber. It helps hydrate your skin and draw out impurities. Cucumber slices used on the eyes make an effective de-puffer as they help drain out excess water and calm swelling. They are also a gentle cleanser. Make a cucumber mash and use it as a mask to clean out pores and refine skin texture. Use cucumber juice as a refreshing toner.

Avocado. Great for hair and skin. An avocado mask will moisturize your face and make it softer. It makes a wonderful hair mask and hydrates your scalp. Avocado can also be mixed with stronger exfoliating agents to keep the skin from drying out.

Olive Oil. Another excellent hair and skin moisturizer. Pour olive oil directly onto hair, comb through, and cover with a shower cap. Heat on a low setting with a blow dryer. Your hair will be silkier and softer. Olive oil is also an effective post-burn treatment, helping to restore much-needed moisture to scalded skin.

Pineapple and Papaya (Do not use undiluted if you have extremely sensitive skin). These fruits are packed with enzymes, which helps to chemically exfoliate your skin. If your skin is acne-prone, this type of exfoliation may work better than physical scrubs. Pineapple and Papaya also contain a substance called bromelin, which is a natural anti-inflammatory. The juice of these fruits can be applied directly to insect stings. Pineapple is actually used to help prevent wrinkles too. Papaya contains a compound called papain, which is the same ingredient used in commercial meat tenderizers. Mashed papaya can help unclog pores and tighten skin. Both fruits also make excellent additions to a sugar scrub.

Mango. An effective antiseptic, it helps deep-clean and refine pores. Mango butter is also a decadent moisturizer. Mango is a good source of beta carotene and antioxidants, which nourish your body as well as your skin. It can be mixed with salt to make a delicious body scrub.

Strawberries. A highly effective face scrub and mask. They contain powerful antioxidants and enzymes. Puree fresh strawberries and apply directly to skin. The seeds may irritate acne-prone skin if used as a scrub, so if you have sensitive skin, don't rub the mask. Let it sit for 25 minutes and wash off, preferably without a washcloth. It should make your pores smaller, your skin more refined, and your complexion clearer overall. People report that it helps decrease shine on hot days. You can also mix strawberries with sugar to use as a body scrub.

Tomatoes. A clarifier and astringent, they help remove excess oil from your skin. It works most effectively if you just put the juice on your face and leave it for about 10 minutes. Some people may be sensitive to strong to concentrated tomato juice, so slice a large, fresh tomato and apply the slices to the face. You might want to lie down while you leave them on for about 10 minutes.

Potatoes. When boiling potatoes, steam your face over them. When peeling potatoes, don't throw away the skin, which contains most of the minerals and vitamin C. Put potato peelings on skin to draw out toxins and nourish skin. Grate raw potatoes and apply as a mask to soak up oil and clean pores. This mask can also be mixed with plain yogurt to soften the skin. Raw grated and sliced potatoes are also a great remedy to reduce burns. Rinse with potato juice to help keep acne from appearing. Potato slices also help de-puff eyes and decrease dark circles.

Chamomile Tea (Do not use if you have an allergy to the daisy family). Chamomile has been used for millennium to calm everything from upset tummies to anxiety to skin. Drink chamomile tea to relax, and apply cooled chamomile tea bags under eyes to decrease puffiness. Make a chamomile tea compress for irritated skin or apply steeped tea leaves directly to skin.

Green and White Tea. One of my personal favorite products to drink, I also can't get enough if its smell. I'd love if green and white tea essence was added to every household product. You've heard a lot about the antioxidant properties of tea. I try to drink it daily to get rid of body toxins. It does the same for skin. The antioxidants in green and white tea help to bind with free radicals on your skin, caused by environmental exposure. Steep tea bags and apply directly to your skin to draw out toxins. The antioxidants in tea also help protect skin against sun and environmental damage, help prevent wrinkles, and make skin healthier overall. Use tea as a toner after you wash your face to even out complexion and improve skin tone.

Wheat Germ, Almond, and Sunflower Oil. These oils contain high amounts of Vitamin E, an incredible antioxidant that protects against cell breakdown, heart disease, and helps treat wrinkles. Wheat germ oil is a veritable powerhouse of the substance, while the other oils have strong concentrations. Rub the oil around eyes and anywhere you have fine lines and wrinkles. It will help smooth them out over time. To keep skin healthy and supple, prevent blot clots and heart disease, and for good overall health, add almonds and sunflowers to salads and snacks. Caution: Do not take Vitamin E supplements that have more than 400 IU per day. Extremely high doses of Vitamin E (1000 mg) actually have an adverse effect on your health and could be fatal.

Aloe Vera. The best burn, redness, and skin reliever I've ever used. It's most effective from a fresh aloe leaf, so I keep aloe plants in the house at all times. There's nothing as fast-acting as aloe after a sunburn. I also use it to take down persistent redness from chafed skin or beauty treatments. Aloe juice can be mixed with other ingredients to keep skin from getting irritated and inflamed.

Apples, Apple Cider, Apple Cider Vinegar. Apples come from the same family as onions and contain a substance called quercetin, a natural antimicrobial. Mashed apples make a great chemical exfoliator and antiseptic. They gently dissolve dirt, toxins and oil. Apple cider and apple cider vinegar are excellent clarifiers for hair (as well as your coffeemaker). To get rid of buildup, rinse hair with apple cider vinegar. People have used vinegar for centuries to clean, remove buildup, and as an antiseptic.

Tea Tree Oil. A powerful antiseptic, it is also the best antifungal I know. When I used to get fungal infections on my nails from certain nail salons, I would rub in tea tree oil twice a day and it would eradicate the fungus. It can also be diluted and used to treat yeast infections and other fungal ailments. Some people use it to fight blemishes. I haven't tried it for this purpose, but it is a pretty gentle formula considering how strong it is, so it may work well for acne. It is available in Whole Foods markets and most health and beauty stores.

Peppermint. Drink peppermint tea when you have an upset stomach (unless you're suffering from acid or heartburn). Use cooled peppermint tea as a refreshing astringent, especially on hot days. It helps remove excess oil while leaving a pleasant coolness.

Rosewater. A skin soother and complexion aid, particularly for those with sensitive skin. Rosewater has been used for centuries as a gentle skin cleanser and skin calmer. Rose oil is a natural mood calmer.

Calamine Lotion. You know how it magically dries up poison ivy blisters? It does the same for pimples. In fact, one of the industry's best pimple shrinking products, Mario Badescu's famous Drying Lotion, uses a mixture of calamine, camphor, sulfur, and salicylic acid. Apply it at night and when you wake up, your pimple should shrink. (I admit that Mario Badescu’s Drying Lotion is one of the few miracle-cures for pimples that actually works for me. My husband makes fun of me when I put in on before bed, calling me a pink spotted leopard, but when I wake up, my zits are usually extinguished.)

Toothpaste (white paste, not gel). Toothpaste works by the same principle as calamine lotion. It dries up any part of the skin that needs drying. Apply on pimples to help shrink them overnight. If your skin is very dry or sensitive, toothpaste may irritate it, so test it first on the inside of your wrist.

Mayonnaise. This makes a great hair mask to add moisture. Saturate hair in it, put on a shower cap, and blow dry on a low setting.

Vaseline or Petroleum Jelly. The universal moisturizer and protector. Safe to use on lips, skin, and even sensitive internal areas. I use it as my regular lip balm and it works better than any lip balm I’ve ever bought. It’s also great to put in hair and skin keep them from absorbing hair dye or self-tanner, or to keep face masks from creeping into your hairline. Many ladies swear that they used this for 50 years to keep away wrinkles and to get rid of rough skin spots. Celebrities say they use it on their lashes, and it's also an instant brow tamer. You can use it as an emergency hair styler or shine aid. Some makeup artists put it on top of makeup to give skin a dewy finish. Allegedly it doesn't clog pores, though I have not tested this theory. The best part is, it's so darned cheap – just get the large tub for general use or a small jar or tube to use on your lips alone. Heck, I even shine shoes with it in a pinch (and it’s always a pinch when I have to shine shoes at the last minute). Just don’t use it with condoms, as it breaks down latex.

Witch Hazel. An extremely gently natural antiseptic, it can be used on even the driest and most sensitive skin. I use it religiously after shaving and waxing. Saturate a cotton ball with it and dab onto irritated or red areas. It feels calming yet refreshing.

If you have more household beauty cures that you swear by, send them to me. It’s always useful to hear what works for people. Good luck!

How to Lose Your Tax Savings in 10 Days

I just finished my taxes, praise the Lord. It's always the most dreaded time of the year, tax time. I had been noticeably depressed for weeks, procrastinating to delay the inevitable and highly unpalatable reality that my tax return would only bring gloom and doom: in translation, a sky-high tax bill. Sure, you may look forward to filing your taxes. But you see, when I file my taxes, it takes at least 4 full days of work. Rather than filing for a return with a simple W-2 and some charitable deductions, the world of self-employment opens up an entire encyclopedia of forms to file.

Unlike much of the population, I don't jump for joy at the prospect of receiving "money back." Now that's a rather backwards description, isn't it? After all, it's your money, earned with over 2000 hours of labor per year, that you generously "loan" to Uncle Sam so he can deposit it into interest-bearing accounts for 16 months before benevolently "returning" it to you. I sincerely hope that most people have come to their senses and have stopped asking for one paltry exemption on their paychecks because it's perfectly okay to take 2, 3, 4, or even 5 so you can actually take home more of your hard-earned cash every month. This is especially a must if you own your own home, since anyone who has purchased one in the past 5 years has undoubtedly watched their deductions quadruple. (I have to say as an aside that owning a home has done more for my tax deductions that anything else I could have invented. When Einstein was asked what the most powerful force in the universe was, he quipped, "Compound interest." Well I propose that the second most powerful force is mortgage interest. When your mortgage is between $2,000-3,000 per month and you're paying primarily interest for the first 5 years of your mortgage, guess how much mortgage interest you will have paid in one year? That's right, the better part of $2,000-3,000 x 12, which comes to almost $24,000-36,000. That, my friends, is powerful stuff). So I ask you, why wait till the following April to get back a "bonus" when you can take it home in the first place, invest it into your own interest-bearing accounts, and actually make money off of the money you've earned? What a novel concept.

Anyway, as I ploughed through the pile of papers signifying my wages, consultant income, interest & dividend income, retirement & annuity distributions, charitable donations, student loan interest, mortgage interest, asset summaries, itemized deductions, and the endless bags of receipts I'd accumulated over the past tax year, I pondered if it wasn't just easier to pay the $15,000 tax bill. But I persevered through Turbotax's exhausting but well-meaning inquisition and finally finished the hundreds of calculations that slowly whittled away at my so-called "taxable" income. Sure, self-employment paychecks may seem bigger at first, but subtract monthly operating costs, business and equipment purchases, health insurance, medical bills, business insurance, medicare, social security, and self-employment taxes, and you're looking at taking home one-half of your original compensation. So why pay taxes on money that doesn't even make it into your bank account, especially if you've already paid the sales tax on all those expenses?

Fortunately, by the end of the 3rd day of preparing my taxes, my dilligent record-keeping and tireless calculations began to pay off as I watched my $15,000 tax bill shrink to $8,000, then $4,000, then $2,500. I will admit that the $22,000 in mortgage interest I paid last year alone (plus the $4,000 in property taxes) represented the lion's share of my deductions. But hey, if you scrimped over the years so you could save enough money to buy your own house, then you shelled out exorbitantly high mortgage and tax payments, you'd take every deduction allowed by law. It's hard to stash away much savings from month to month when the most modest "starter home" in your neighborhood starts at $550,000 the average sales price of a house in your city costs $762,722. With prices like these, homeownership deductions are a saving grace for many families across America.

But back to my story. When I realized by the 4th day that my tax bill was $0 and that I wasn't going to owe taxes in excess of those I had already paid last year, I was visibly giddy. It could also have been delirium, since I had been chained to my computer for 4 days straight. But whatever the condition, it prompted me to make occasional forays into ebay and I found myself stealing glimpes of a certain bag. It was a luxurious Burberry leather Manor satchel tote, one of the undeniable "it" bags of the fall/winter season and a paragon of perfection aptly designated under the "Icon Collection." The color was a unique beige called "trench", the color of a perfectly prepared cafe au lait, or as I like to describe it, the color of Mississippi Mud ice cream (sans the chunks). Not too light like many of the bone-colored bags, and not too dark so it resembles brown (the color on the Burberry website is a tad too dark -- it's actually a shade lighter and more buttery). Just a perfect, seasonless, infinitely neutral yet decidedly not-boring bag. It had plenty of of light gold-toned hardware in all the right places -- even a little extra for the girl who likes to be noticed -- and loads of convenient zippers and pockets to boot. The size was just right for stashing all those necessary things, plus all those extras, plus all those unexpected things one tends to pick up along the way. Great for work, fabulous for a weekend outing, but not so big and bulky that it looks like you're carrying a tote bag. And being Burberry, it reeked of sophistication and class, both well-mannered and well-manored (sorry, I couldn't resist). I was a moth drawn to the light. I couldn't stop looking at it, imagining it, picturing what to wear with it, even inventing excursions to make good use of it. I was probably talking to myself a little too much because my husband kept peeking in and asking how things were going.

I confess that I first laid eyes on the bag while in London last October. Alas, the $1680 price tag was an unsurmountable obstacle at the time. And I might add, it's generally an insurmountable obstacle at any time. Can you believe that handbags have gotten so ridiculously high-priced? At one time (not that long ago) I thought $700 was a fortune to pay for a bag and was shocked when prices started to contain 4 digits. I mean come on, $1000 for a handbag? It had better be made of real crocodile. But no, real crocodile bags cost $4000-5000. (Does that price include the guy who wrastles the crocodiles and pins them down? I wonder if you can pick the poor sucker that's going to get wrastled that day....) Then I started to see handbags creep into the $2000 territory. Are women losing their marbles? I mean, who in God's name can afford a $2000 bag except heiresses and the independently wealthy? But if boutique sales are any indication, these bags are flying off the shelves. Apparently tens of thousands of people can afford a $2000 bag. Shame on me for underestimating the American economy. I shouldn't be so surprised, having learned that in December 2006 my proud state of Virginia (along with Montana, Utah, and Hawaii) lead the nation in low unemployment rates with just 2-2.9% unemployment. And why should women flinch in the face of a $2000 handbag purchase when my county's median family income in 2004 was $90,200 and 28% of families earned $150,000 or more? Surely a small $2000 treat is in the budget for many of these gals.

Being a self-proclaimed bargain shopper, I couldn't allow myself to splurge on such a frivolous accessory. $500 I could shell out for a barely-worn Jimmy Choo Tulita bag that originally retailed for almost $1000, and I did pay close to $900 full retail price for a Louis Vuitton one year (which I have since parted with on ebay). But I have never crossed the $1000 mark for any purchase -- not clothing, accessories, jewelry, or even computers or electronic equipment. Somehow, I've always managed to straddle the $999 limit and swung the purchase in my favor with some discount or promotion. I found it absurd that I was even considering buying a $1680 bag (which, after taxes, comes to $1764. I might add that Virginia has one of the more forgiveable sales tax rates of 5%). Perhaps, the times they are a-changin'. Maybe I'm the one who's behind and needs to get with the program. In an era where babysitters charge $15 per hour, dog walkers charge $25 per hour, and college tuitions exceed $120,000, I should hardly be fazed by a $1600, $2000, or even the stunning $3600 handbag I just saw at Neiman Marcus (no, it's not made of crocodile, just woven patent leather -- oh, and it carries the Fendi insignia. You'd think for $3600 they could give you real gold hardware, not "gold tone hardware." Sheesh.)

So there it sat, the Burberry bag, beckoning me with its simultaneously graceful and posh siren song. Meanwhile, I fine-tuned my tax return, remembering to include the 5 boxes of in-kind donations of clothing and shoes I had made to the local thrift shop that raises money for the blind. At the end of the night, I faced my final tax bill: -$450. Yes, there was a minus sign in front of the number. Wow! I was not only not going to owe money, but I was getting money back. The last time that happened was so long ago I couldn't remember. An added bonus was that I would receive another $420 back from the state of Virginia. Now that was truly an unexpected gift. Thus, I made a decision on that fateful evening, a decision that would eventually lead me down the path of ruin. I would purchase that outrageous Burberry bag, Suze Orman and The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom be damned. So without further ado, I prepared to part with my hard-earned cash.

Now here comes the twist. The same exquisite bag that called my name from the lofty shelves of Burberry in London was available to me for a much more reasonable price on ebay. In fact, I would probably have left it alone after our initial London introduction 6 months ago -- stopping periodically to fondle it at Nordstrom or at Neiman's -- had I not accidentally come across it on ebay while shopping for something else. You don't think a savvy shopper such as myself would just stroll into Saks and plunk down my plastic without shopping around first, would you? Of course not, or my name wouldn't be the 3-Penny Princess and this blog wouldn't be about scoring fabulous bargains. You'd better believe I regularly scour the hallowed ebay halls of the used and unwanted in search of the objects of my affection. So they've been carried a few times. Maybe a tiny scratch here or a mark there. Perhaps an ink stain inside. Listen, a great quality bag can handle being carried a few times and still look almost as good as new. As for those ink stains inside? I won't tell anyone if you won't. And sometimes, the bags barely show any signs of wear at all. We all know what happens when you drive a brand spanking new car off the lot, don't we? The price of the car instantly drops. But does that mean the car is any less valuable to those to might want it? No, it's just a better buy. Especially if it's a luxury car. The performance and comfort of a great car probably won't be compromised too much after just 5,000 miles. If the car has been well-cared-for and cleaned thoroughly, it may look like a brand new car. The same can be said of a great bag. Ladies, there's no shame in buying secondhand.

So guess how much the same $1680 beautiful beige Burberry Manor bag cost on ebay? How about 47% less at just $900? We're not talking about a model from seasons ago. We're talking about a bag that just came out last fall and is still sitting on internet and store shelves for full price. Of course I'll take it for 47% off the retail price! After doing my due dilligence to investigate the seller, ensuring that her feedback was immaculate, reading every feedback comment, arranging for a refund if necessary, and getting the authenticity proof that I needed, I felt confident to move ahead.

Now before you sound the alarm and proclaim that a Burberry bag doesn't go on sale, I must argue that it most certainly does. In fact, today, there are 6 bags listed on sale on the Burberry website alone. Turns out there are actually Burberry outlets. One is located in London, which I discovered only too late on my last trip. Even more conveniently, one is located about 50 miles from my house, which I discovered just recently. These are a Burberry-lover's dream, especially if you love the old-school trenches, warm scarves, and shoes. Not only are there Burberry outlets, there are also Gucci and Prada outlets. I drove right by them in Italy in a small town just off the main road. Marc Jacobs, Christian Dior, Jimmy Choo -- these all go on sale. Granted, they don't usually drop to half-off their original prices (at least not at first), but wait a little longer and you can get them for 40-60% off. Or, buy a gently used bag and you can score an almost-new gem on ebay for 40-50% cheaper just months after it retails.

Now that we've gotten that fallacy out of the way, my saga continues. Another bidder had already started bidding on my dream bag, so I had to be careful not to compete too early or too often. Fortunately, the auction ended late at night over the weekend, so there wasn't as much competition as there would have been in the middle of a workday. The price started at $800, and after a furious round of last-minute bids, I was the final victor, coming in at $900. I will admit I experienced a bit of shock and just a slight twinge of remorse right after it was over. I had never dreamed that I would spend this much money on ebay, for a bag or anything else! But the fear soon warmed to joy and was quicly replaced with anticipation as the very responsive seller promised to mail it right away. Exactly one postal day later, my jaw dropped as I heard a knock on the door and saw that the mailman was holding a huge box for me. Wow, I couldn't believe the bag traveled from Hawaii to Washington, D.C in 1 business day! The seller was great, following up to make sure that everything was to my satisfaction and expectation. I told her that both the bag and the service had exceeded my expectations. I fell in love with the Burberry bag as soon as I unpacked it from the thick Burberry gift box and proceeded to put it into service immediately.

Postscript:
As I write this a week later, I am still just as thrilled with the bag, having successfully worn it with a variety of ensembles. It really does fit everything I could think of carrying. It came in particularly handy when I went on an impromptu adventure and needed to grab a lunch, magazine, sweater, and other odds and ends, and I found that it still had room for more. The color matched everything I could conjure to wear with it. And it's tough and sratch resistant. Plus, Burberry was thoughful enough to install little brass feet and a lock on it. How useful! This bag is a keeper. (At least until I change my mind in a year or two.) The price was well worth it.

Wouldn't you know it, another Burberry Manor bag came up on ebay. It's not that I was actively looking for one or anything. It's just that, you know how ebay sends you reminders about items you're watching? Well, while I was watching the beige bag, ebay notified me that another one was available, only in a different color. This time, it was the same bag in burgundy. I admit I brushed it off at first, thinking one Burberry Manor bag was enough. But then I thought, burgundy would be so perfect for fall. And it would really bring out the pairs of bordeaux and claret-colored shoes I had recently acquired. Wouldn't it be a nice change from boring mouse-brown to carry a striking burgundy bag when the leaves start to change colors? I know, I'm jumping ahead a little, but a girl must think ahead when she sees a good bargain. And this was some bargain. I had paid an ambitious (but still worthwhile) $900 for the beige bag. Well, the burgundy bag was starting at only $600! It had been slightly more used, but I mean, how used can a bag from last fall/winter be? Especially one made of thick scratch-resistant leather. Anyway, I proceeded to watch it. When the final day came and no one had bid on it, I admit I felt compelled to take advantage of this opportunity. So, I sprung into action and placed a bid. Presto, another Burberry bag was soon to be mine. With barely any competition, I scored the bag for $612 -- that's 64% off retail!

This was too easy. Now I felt very guilty. How can I possibly justify spending over $1500 in 7 days, and on what -- bags? I must be losing my marbles. And I haven't yet figured out how I'm going to tell my husband. He was remarkably mellow and forgiving when I showed him the first bag. So much so that I worried if he was losing his mind. But now I'm really pushing my luck. I've crossed over into treacherous territory. Then again, I bought 2 Burberry bags for less than the price of 1 and they're stil selling for full price in stores. That's no small feat by anyone's measure! Besides, I haven't seen this model before or since on ebay. It must have been my luck to find not one but two of them. Now I have one for fall/winter and one for all seasons. You see, it was meant to be. Any savvy shopper would have done the same in my shoes.

Just think how far I have come from scraping to buy $4.75 shoes at the Talbots outlet only 4 months ago. And what have I learned from this experience? That I too am capable of buying an outrageously expensive bag. That I too am capable of blowing my entire savings on a completely unnecessary and frivolous purchase. That sometimes an excellent bargain can still leave you with a big hole in your bank account. Granted, I didn't shell out $2,000 or even $1680 for one single bag, but at the end of the week, I spent more than $1500. Granted, again, I got 2 bags and paid less than the price of 1 and I adore them both (well, to be fair, the 2nd still hasn't arrived, but I'm sure I'll adore it when I receive it). But I was only looking to buy one perfect bag. And one perfect bag led me to buy another perfect bag. So I still ended up spending more money that a person should be allowed to spend on any purchase in the course of one week. Or even one month. Heck, I shouldn't buy anything for the next year. But you know I will be back, secretly creeping through ebay searching for the next great buy.

I used to be a thrifty shopper. I never thought I could throw all my caution to the wind and shell out over $1500 for fashion in almost one fell swoop. I'm not like those women -- I have more common sense. I know how to save money. Well. maybe if I had stopped at one bag... But now, I am certifiably irresponsible, not fit to manage the household budget or raise children. I have fallen from grace. I hope that I can forgive myself.

Post-post script:
Okay, it's been 8 days since the auction ended for the second bag and I still haven't received it! It only needed to travel one state. What gives, especially given her 100% positive feedback and nothing but good comments about authentic bags and fast shipping. I already emailed the seller twice and got no answer. Maybe it's my luck. Maybe the second bag wasn't meant to be. Maybe if I don't receive it, I'll file for non-receipt of the item and try to get some of my savings back. Will it make me happy? Not really. Will be take a large burden of guilt off my shoulders? You bet! I guess we'll have to wait and see...

Meanwhile, I just checked ebay today and there's a new Burberry Manor bag listed! It's the black model. Bidding starts at $1000 and you can buy it today for $1300. Not a bad buy if you get it for $1000. I could really use a black bag to complete my collection.... Well someone should grab it, anyway.

Banishing the "I Have Nothing to Wear!" Beast: A 12-Step Program

So you've made resolutions for the new year. You've resolved to be thinner. Healthier. Get more sleep. Earn more money. Read more. Be better informed about the world. Call your mother more often. Be more organized. Spend less money. All admirable resolutions, I concur.

Now, how about tackling a less visited area of your life? I'm talking about the back of your closet. Take advantage of all this positive energy and channel your resolutions into your wardrobe. Sure, all those good healthy habits will make you feel better. But I guarantee that even if you lose 15 pounds, develop abs of steel, and even take home a bigger paycheck, you're still going to have to face the same disappointing closet doors morning after morning. And that may not make you look or feel better.

If you're like much of the female population, your racks (the ones inside your closet) leave much to be desired. At some point, you probably made a fresh start. You decided that you needed some good quality staples, so you invested in pieces that promised to last for seasons to come. You kept things simple and practical -- one fabulously-fitting pair of black pants, one exquisite crepe skirt suit, two tailored pant suits, a crisp white button-down cuffed shirt, a sharp pair of heeled loafers, and a handful of perfectly proportioned dress tees. Later on you added a pair of versatile bootcut jeans, a smart twill jacket, and a few pairs of strappy sandals. The sun rose and the sun set. The seasons changed and the years went by. And somewhere down the road, you found yourself in a wardrobe rut. Some of your girlfriends always managed to look like they just stepped out of a Banana Republic ad. But you, on the other hand, started to dread too many engagements for fear that you had nothing to wear. At least one day a week, you stood in front of the full-length mirror after finding that the bed was already covered with that morning's outfit rejects -- too blah, too tight, too white, too black, too heavy, too casual, too dressy, etc. An invitation to a girl's weekend retreat in Las Vegas elicited despair rather than excitement. And that's when you realized it: you needed an intervention.

Believe me, I've been there. And I'm still there, albeit less and less since I staged my own intervention. If I had a nickel for every morning that I was late to work because I couldn't settle on an ensemble that made me feel professional, fashionable, and put together, I'd be in the poorhouse. Even my favorite social activities started to become a drag because I would always wear the same "safe" outfit -- the one that accentuated my figure in all the necessary places and was the right color for my perennially pale face. I too started out with the best of intentions, heeding the advice of the Emily Posts of fashion and investing in all the right "basics" that come in the most neutral tones. But as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It finally hit me: No wonder I was always disappointed after a visit to my closet. If a girl wears nothing but basics in neutral tones, isn't it a boring existence? It was at that strategic point that I decided to stop being a safe but boring Betty. I resolved to become the girls bursting forth from the pages of the J. Crew catalogue -- fun, colorful, unexpected yet put together, charming but not too matchy-matchy, and always up for anything.

This, my sassy gals, is the road to wardrobe nirvana:

1. First, clean out your closet. I recommend this highly. Pack rats, I know this is the most painful step, but it will feel so therapeutic to clean out your closet. Besides, you can donate all those unused items to charity. There, that should make you feel better already. I rummage through my closet, accessories, and shoe collection each season like a reaper and purge things that haven't been worn in 2 years. Chances are, if you haven't worn it for the last 2 winters, springs, summers, or falls, you won't wear it. Unless an item can be salvaged with reconstructinve tailoring or creative redesign, it won't look any different on you now than it did when you first stashed it in the back of your closet. If it doesn't hold huge sentimental value or can bring you decent material compensation, part with it.

2. Next, reorganize your closet. This is a crucial step. No walk-in closet? No problem. Invest in some extra garment bars to double your hanging space. Don't have a clue how to attach them to your closet walls? Do what I do: simply hang the Double Hanger Deluxe (available at Bed Bath and Beyond) and instantly double your hanging space. Spring for two and presto, you've added 5 feet of vertical surface and quadrupled your hanging space. Bring home some inexpensive wall hooks from Home Depot or the drugstore and mount them in strategic rows on bare wall or door space. Buy some stackable shelves for your shoes at Bed Bath and Beyond. I like the self-assembling metal racks because they're lightweight, see-through, and can be extended infinitely upwards, but they also have very practical over-the-door racks that hold up to 36 pairs of shoes. C'mon, don't look at me like "Wow, she has 36 pairs of shoes!" You know you have at least 36 pairs. Are you counting your running shoes, casual tennies, beach shoes, and such? Actually, I have more like 63 pairs (my husband swears it's closer to 93). A set for spring-summer and a set for fall-winter, plus an assortment of party sandals, comfy athletic slip-ons and several pseudo-flip flops. One further thing I advise is to be good to yourself and buy loads of new hangers. Spoil your clothes rotten with luxurious but inexpensive hangers that protect them and do double-duty. You won't break the bank with these Ikea wood sweater hangers with bars at only $2.49 for an 8-pack, or this set of 5 wood suit hangers with clips for $6.99 at Bed Bath and Beyond. Be kind to your sweaters with these satin-covered padded hangers, either in clean white or in assorted colors, 10 for $9.99. For the rest of your clothes, go crazy with these plain plastic heavyweight hangers at, you guessed it, Bed Bath and Beyond -- 12 for $5.99.

I believe this to be key: Hang everything you own. You've got to know exactly what you have to know what you don't have. I firmly believe that out of sight = out of mind. And out of mind means you won't know what you have, so how can your wear it (or know if you're not wearing it)? Keep everything you wear in public in plain sight, hung up, and preferably organized by category (pants, sweaters, skirts, tops, etc.). I like to hang absolutely everything that could potentially get me out of the house, including jeans, nice tees, polos, and even visible underlayers (you'll want to see what color cotton camisole to wear under your shrunken jacket or wrap sweater). Everything else can go in a drawer.

3. Color-code or texture-code your closet. This step is optional but has worked for me for years. I'm a temperamental, impulsive gal. I used to plan the next day's outfits the night before, then I'd always end up changing my mind in the morning. The fact is, I'm in a different mood the next day than I was the night before. So I'm going to want to wear different colors, textures, or shoe heights depending on how I feel. Besides, anyone who lives within a 50-mile radius of the nation's capital knows not to put any stock in the meteorologists' nightly predictions. You''ll do better licking your finger and sticking it out the door to figure out which way the wind is blowing and how cold/humid/pollinated the day will be. The thing is, different shades and textures make me feel differently. Some evenings, I go to bed with promise and hope for a bright, bold tomorrow. But after a sleepless night and an unexpectedly overcast sky the following morning, I just want to curl up in plush fabrics and muted tones that are merciful to red eyes and irritated skin. To make it easier, I like to organize my clothes within their category by weight or texture. When the weather is brisk in the morning but mellow during the day, I reach for a lightweight sweater. When the thermometer plunges to 30 degrees, I want to know exactly where my wool pants are, because if you've ever worn really thin pants on a blustering frigid day, you know that it's an experience that makes you want to run and change fast. So it helps me to know where my light cashmere cardigans are, where my paper-thin tees dwell, and where my super-chunky turtleneck wool sweaters await (in the unlikely event that it will actually snow hard this or any upcoming winter again.) If you'd like, you can also organize by color group -- reds, pinks, greens, blacks, whites, beiges, etc. You can put multi-colored items in whatever spot you wish. This is particularly useful for emotional, logically-disabled-in-the-morning girls who instinctively gravite towards certain color families without having to analyze or verbalize their aesthetic desires. If I'm feeling optmistic, I'll reach for a red or orange color group. If I'm feeling romantic, I'll reach for pink or baby blue. If I'm feeling lazy or conservative, I'll settle for navy or ivory. Color-coding makes it easy. Before you write me off as an anal and overly moody bitch, remember, I'm here to help you tame your wardrobe, not judge you.

4. Visit your inner desert island. You know how TV shows are always coming up with top 10 CDs to take to a desert island (at least they did before we had MP3 players), or top 5 things to pack if you have to leave in an unexpected emergency? I like to do this exercise: pick the top 5 articles of clothing and accessories of each type -- sweaters, tops, dresses, skirts, jeans, pants, jackets, dress shoes, casual shoes, coats, necklaces, scarves, and such -- and pretend that you were packing for a year-long vacation in your destination of choice. Toss in a little fantasy. Pretend the weather is always temperate and you get to hang out every day with fabulous attractive people and your love interest. What would you take? Sure makes you think, huh? I hope you wouldn't bring a suitcase full of practical but blah duds and comfortable but boring shoes. For heaven's sake, do you think those fabulous attractive people are going to find you fabulous and attractive for long if you dress like a bore? Not a chance! You'd get kicked off the island. The point of this exercise is to find out what your absolute favorite goods are and why you always want to wear them. I can't tell you how many times I've been out shopping and overheard women say, "I have so many clothes/shoes, but I always wear the same ones." Why do you think that is? You love them and they make you feel fabulous and attractive, that's why. An added bonus if they're also comfortable and practical. Just remember, you'll have your old age to wear orthapedic shoes and matronly dresses. So unless you work in a health-care facility, don't dress like it.

5. Boost your basics. As a public service, I would like to make a formal request that you don't wear sweats and fleece out unless you're exercising or performing outdoor chores (or running a very short errand with the least possible exposure outside of your car). Have you heard of lycra? They put it in everything now. Jeans, suits, dress shirts, even shoes. If you must bum around in public, at least wear velour track suits in pretty colors. They don't have to be Juicy Couture -- Victoria's Secret and even Target will do. You don't need a lot, just one or two. And it's perfectly okay to wear tennies with your track suit, jeans, or courduroy mini, just don't wear plain white aerobic sneakers with everything, for the love of God. You will be shot on sight with a yellow paint gun if you have the obnoxiousness to don white leather Reeboks or white fabric Keds with suits or nice pants. Heaven help you if you put them over white socks and black stockings. I hope you have a really high dry cleaning budget, because I've got plenty of paint.

Look, I feel your pain. I'm allergic to uncomfortable shoes, so I'm usually averse to buying them just because they look amazing. I used to walk 20 blocks a day at a minumum when I commuted by subway and worked downtown. No way could I pull off stilettos when walking on exposed brick and metal crates. Thankfully, there are so many comfortable yet stylish alternatives. For one, athletic shoes have evolved to look like ballet flats, mary janes, and colorful strap-ons, among other varieties, and they come in a rainbow of colors. Sprint around from place to place to your heart's delight and look like a glamour girl, not a grandma (no offense to stylish grandmas), with stylish sporty shoes. And speaking of ballet flats, they happen to be my absolute favorite multi-purpose shoe. I'm positively hooked on this style. They literally go with everything. Just find the right texture and details and you'll go from yoga to work to cocktails in the same fantastic flats. One pair is all you need in your favorite color, but honestly, you can get them so cheap, splurge on a couple. Can't stand the thought of wearing flats for your sky-high arches? I have them too, so I sympathize with your need for a little height. Either buy some arch supports, or wear a little more heel. So many ballet-flat types actually come with an adorable kitten heel, which is universally flattering and very pedestrian-friendly at the same time. Another solution? Buy at least one pair of dress shoes that have a rubber, preferably althletic sole. I swear by Cole Haan Nike Air and G Series shoes, which I incidentally never buy directly from Cole Haan, but rather on ebay or at numerous discount retailers like Marshalls and TJ Maxx. I practically stole a pair of Cole Haan Air Bronte flats recently at TJ Maxx for a clearance price of $25 (they retailed for $185!). They look like sassy dress flats but have a flexible rubber Nike Air cusion in a 1-inch heel. I can gallop around all day in them and they go as beautifully with suits as they do with jeans. Other designers make them too, if you aren't fortunate enough to find Cole Haan in your discount store.

6. And speaking of feet, buy better shoes. Now that you're a grown-up, there's no reason you can't invest in shoes that will go the distance stylewise. There is a book called "Change Your Shoes, Change Your Life." Whether this was partially subsidized by DSW no one can prove, but it makes a point. Expand your shoes into new colors too. For the longest time, I only bought black and brown shoes. I said once to a friend, "I don't understand why women are obsessed with shoes. Especially in different colors or shapes. Just buy a basic black and basic brown pair and they'll go with everything." Boy was I misguided. Two years and one hundred shoes later, I can definitely understand why women go nuts over shoes. With red, pink, green, ivory, camel, coral, and varieties of cheetah, python, and zebra, I am living proof that a great, unique pair of shoes can make or break your outfit (and possibly your day). Some mornings, I pick a pair of shoes first then work an entire outfit around them. Or, when I have to wear basic black or gray, a standout kelly green pair of slingbacks -- sometimes paired with my matching green purse -- really pack a punch. Head-to-toe white no longer looks antiseptic when punched up with sizzling hot pink pumps. Even muted tones like beige, burgundy, or navy can perk up a suit but still be boardroom appropriate. It's not just for the color impact. Even different textures and patterns of black and brown can take you from average to A-lister. Instead of tired brown heels, try crocodile-embossed T-straps or d'orsay pumps in a rich espresso or olive. Trade in the boring black penny loafers for luscious black calf-haired mules or kitten-heeled loafers with tassel or bow detailing. Shoes can truly make or break your outfit.

7. Upgrade your accessories. One showstopping ornament could take the place of 10 so-so baubles. It could be an exquisite diamond pendant. A showstopping choker. A hand-crafted pair of earrings in your favorite stone. A larger-than-life cocktail ring that demands attention. An interesting new watch. Whatever you fancy, treat yourself to one great heirloom this year. Go to a department or specialty store and find a pair of outrageously chic sunglasses. Can you imagine Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's without them? A commedian quipped that "Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs." You don't have to go that far, but it doesn't hurt your intriguing persona to wear some signature shades. Belts. Gloves. Scarves. These can all be spiced up. Why settle for strictly functional when there are vast quantities of colors, textures, and metallic finishes available? Let's talk about hair accessories. Headbands aren't limited to fifties-era housewives. The silk scarf isn't just for the French. Barettes aren't only for schoolgirls. Why leave your hair and neck naked? Tie on a burst of color or clip on some bling. You can even accessorize your handbag. Smarten up a boring work tote with a Pucci-style printed handkerchief or a pretty charm. And since we're on the subject of bags, everyone who has known me for more than 20 minutes knows that I have developed a severe addiction to handbags. I actually set aside a certain budget each year to acquire exorbitantly priced knockout bags. Two years ago it was Chanel and Louis Vuitton. Last year it was Tod's and Gucci. This year, it was a Jimmy Choo purse and a to-die-for Burberry satchel. Hey, every girl has her splurges. I shop clearance sales for everything else so I don't have to pinch my pennies on the purse of my dreams. Of course, sometimes those dream bags can be bought for dreamier prices, but that's another column...

8. Buy a couture-worthy coat. It doesn't have to cost $1000 and up. It just has to channel elegant, sharp, and classic, all at the same time. Yes, I sprung for a stunning tailored trench in London for $960. But I've worn it over 30 times since I've owned it for a few months and I plan to wear it for many seasons to come. I also sported my uber-chic and fabulously functional ivory trench with tortoiseshell buttons all over Italy last fall. It complemented almost everything and was just the right thickness, plus is had pockets perfect for stashing all the important stuff. It resembled a Burberry but cost one-twentieth of the price at just $80 (4 years ago at Express). I scored an equally fetching olive wrap coat at the Macy's winter sale this year for $215 that had originally cost $350. I got tons of compliments on it and it looked like a Dolce & Gabbana, only I didn't pay $900+ for it. The point is, I would happily buy a beautiful MaxMara cashmere coat if I came across the perfect specimen -- preferably on sale -- because I know I would keep it for 10 years and it would never go out of style. A good quality, hand-finished, perfectly tailored coat can be a girl's best friend. Get one in black, navy, olive, camel, or even ivory and you will be able to wear it with everything. Better to have one incredible couture-worthy coat than 5 mediocre ones.

9. Branch out of basic black. Find other colors that make you look sexy, slim, and sophisticated. Wear a ravishing little red dress. Discover a shade of green that complements your tone. Become a pink lady or wear your sunny disposition on your sleeve with yellow. Substitute navy, olive, or camel as the staple neutrals in your wardrobe. I've found that ivory is the ideal color for my perenially sun-lacking skin so I wear it all year round. Ivory goes with almost every color in the world. It's okay to wear black sometimes. Just don't wear boring black. Punch it up with colorful pieces here and there. And don't wear black to black-tie events. Or cocktail parties. There are plenty of stunning shades to show off at formal events. Reserve all black for funerals and have fun with your wardrobe the rest of the time.

10. Never buy anything that doesn't fit, flatter, or feel good on. You'll never wear it. Trust me, it has taken me years to learn this. And I still do it from time to time. That is not to say you should overlook articles that fit your shape but are a little long, or don't hug all your curves in exactly the right proportions. That's what tailors are for. If the overall fit is right, it's not terribly difficult to hem or take in a garment. But ideally, shop for your body type. If you are a little short, shop in petite sections. The clothes are cut specifically for smaller heights, and you'll not only have more luck with pant and jacket lenths, but they will also drape in a more balanced way. If you're statuesque and curvy, try the plus-sized section. There are so many alluring women who are larger-than-life in size. They can dress just as fetchingly as supermodels if they learn to stop hiding their curves under large bubble shapes and accentuate them with sleek lines and body-skimming fabrics. If you're busty or have prominent hips, don't shop in the juniors section or in stores that are known to run tiny (H & M!). The clothes will be too tight and won't feel comfortable, let alone look graceful. Instead, try J Crew or Banana Republic, which are known to cut true-to-size. If you're pole-thin or have a boyish build, stop shopping in the teen section and buy some womanly curve-enhancing pieces. Victoria's Secret and Express can be a great source, as are European-style chains such as Bebe and Benetton.

11. On that note, upgrade your undergarments. When was the last time you were fitted for a bra? Did you know that your bossoms can change size and shape every few years? Get thee to a Vickie's back room and get measured. Furthermore, do you think that all celebrities and supermodels have the bodies of lingerie models? Of course not! They wear strategic undergarments to reshape their assets. A push-up bra here, seamless tummy-taming panties there, derriere-lifting stockings under there, and so on. There are body-enhancing solutions to almost every body part you'd like to improve.

12. Buy only fabulous, striking pieces that make you look like a million. Never buy anything so-so again. From now on, put every potential purchase through the desert-island test: if you could only take 5 items from each category with you to wear for one year, would you take this piece? If you can't answer yes, then don't buy it. There's no point in buying more so-so stuff that will take up precious closet space. That's how you got yourself into the perpetual "I have nothing to wear" rut in the first place! It doesn't matter if it's on final sale or practically free. You don't need more clothes. You need better clothes. Only fabulous pieces that earn their keep season after season need apply.

There. That should get you on your way to looking like a Hollywood starlet, without all those expensive stylists and Rodeo Drive receipts. Never have nothing to wear again. Now get out there and be seen, dahling!